Bitches, Ho's, and Scottish Widows

Remember those Scottish Widow adverts?  A beautiful lassie wandering a desolate and picturesque Highland landscape in her black cloak and high heels, when she looked at the camera she gave you those 'come to bed if you're not dead' eyes.

I for one was glad her husband was deid.

That's probably not appropriate but how appropriate is it to advertise mortgages, loans and life insurance using sexy mourners?  I've looked back at the adverts and she still has her wedding ring on in most of them - she definitely shouldn't be looking at me like that - they should re-name the company 'Sexy Scottish Widows' or at least 'Sexy Pensions, Investments, and Life Insurance'.

When I was 12 I fancied Blue Peter presenter Katie Hill, my brother also fancied her which was unfortunate for me because it meant that by default I wasn't allowed to.  When the habitual Blue Peter viewing time came around my brother would start on a line of questioning that would always culminate with him kicking the shit out of me.

Hence how my first crush ended up being a woman who could not only show you a good time but could also look after your fiduciary needs - what 12 year old boy wouldn't be turned on by that?

Sex sells, simple as.  I didn't subject myself to Blue Peter battle royals every other week day to watch that donk who presents the one show now.  It's the same reason why 12 year old boys these days have such an encompassing and comprehensive knowledge of the English Premier League, Sky Sports news is like a 24 hour constantly repeated soft-porn channel.

Women have, and always will have, an incredible power over us.  The black widow spider for example - this is a very tenuous attempt at linking to 'Scottish Widows' - derives its name from its bizarre mating habits.  Once the female has mated with a male spider she will eat her sexual partner.  It is the literal example of 'hump and dump' unless of course female spiders share the same attributes as their human counterparts and in fact do not defecate - my mum has always told me girls don't poo.  This example of eight-legged man-eating can be found in human beings although usually with one-legged females and beatles.  The fact the female spider is much larger and more poisonous makes no difference because, as I'm sure most girls can verify, male lovers tend to get particularly dozy post-coitus.  That wee spider doesn't even realise he is being eaten until it's too late - and even then his biggest concern is that he tastes better than the other male spiders she has been with.

The fairer sex's approval is the greatest motivation for most of what we as edible males do.  We are aware that only the most charming and confident spiders are chosen to be eaten and we'd much rather be eaten than considered unappealing - the surviving males can hardly boast about how many girls they've been with can they? 

The journey on the path to self-improvement starts and ends with the approval of a girl.  If you are the sort of serial procrastinator who watches hours of constantly repeated television, drinks lots of cups of tea, eats lots of biscuits, and takes showers just because you are bored - you probably pee sitting down as well - then yes you are pathetic; you probably know this already.  But fear not, you are merely in a transitional period where you have given up trying to be Prime Minister to piss off the last person's approval you craved, and haven't quite summoned up the energy to go out and impress someone new buy being someone else - someone who doesn't pee in the shower.  Soon you're going to start making origami ostriches, begin a low-carb diet, take an interest in art, culture, and loads of other stuff you're not necessarily interested in. 

Remembering that love is the motivation for your self-improvement, the key thing is finding someone who you would be willing to change for.  Contrary to popular belief 'da club' isn't always the best place to do this.  Aside from the obvious obstacles of intoxication and the dramatic lowering of standards, in the unlikely event of you being allowed entry onto said premises your biggest problem is the standard and nature of the competing males.  Tanned, well-dressed, sock-less, men operate in these venues and they utilise a very defensive strategy to try and entice the females.  Quite simply these gentlemen will patrol the premises desperate for a chance to play the hero, only the slightest faux-pas in social etiquette is needed for fistycuffs to ensue.  The issue for you being, that by this stage of the evening you are much more likely to besmirch a young lady's honour than do anything that would impress or interest her.

I have so many examples of this, I once got punched in the ear for telling a girl she had nice hair.

My suggestion would be to try and speak to a girl in the bar pre-nightclub.  The more reserved and relaxed atmosphere means there is a greater chance of striking up a genuine conversation.  Be careful though, try and consider the effect the company you keep can have on your chat-up attempts.  Play the numbers game a small group of friends is required, no more than two or three.  Go out with a standard 'wing man' and they are likely to get pissed off at you for making contact so early in the evening.  Go with too large a group and you are likely to do something akin to the group mentality that follows gentlemen on a night out.

Apparently most folk meet their future spouse at work or university.  This isn't particularly advantageous if you're anything like me and are a self-employed wanker - I mean this quite literally, I make my living through regular donations to the sperm bank - who did a university course where a large proportion of the female students were lesbians.  Maybe you'll meet someone online - just be careful what you put down as your interests, mentioning your fondness for 'Orange Wednesdays' could result in an invite to go on a distasteful march in the east end of Glasgow.  My favourite is 'uniform dating dot com' - if uniforms really are your thing why don't you just go out and get yourself arrested or hospitalised?  'Match dot com' is another good one where you are encouraged to sing to people at railways stations, what this has to do with the actual advertised service I have no idea but hey, maybe you will meet the love of your life reporting unattended luggage together?

While attempting to meet your significant other please try to maintain lucid mental health, don't go lobbing off your left ear to try and impress a prostitute - I learnt a lot at the Van Gogh museum.  My mum's advise has always been to 'be yourself' but the fact she regularly describes me as a bit of an arsehole suggests she's sending out conflicting messages.  So make the necessary improvements; go to the gym, to the theatre, invest in something, clean your shoes, find out what 'blanching' is, donate to charity, write a blog, shop in Sainsburys, just do whatever you need to do to ensure that next time you step out of that door you're less of a dickhead.

Unless of course you're with a girl who likes dickheads, in which case just keep doing what you're doing.  Dickhead.